Once the couple reaches the point that they believe they have exhausted all the fertility treatment options, they may opt for adoption or a childless future.  With this acceptance they may turn their attention to other venues to fulfill their lives. 

• Seder Kabalat Akrut: Accepting Infertility
• A Woman's Ritual for Moving Past Infertility
   

Seder Kabalat Akrut – Accepting Infertility

 Bonnie Ellen Baron and Lawrence Baron developed the following ritual to achieve a feeling of peace with their immutable state of infertility.  No longer were they going to pursue therapies or surgeries, and this ritual helped them through the transition to either adopting or choosing a child-free life.

The full text of the ritual can be found in Lifecycles (Jewish Lights Publishing, 1994).  In the book’s example, the ritual was held at a beach on Saturday night.  Havdalah, the traditional service that separates the end of the Shabbat with the beginning of the week, was said to set the tone of the ritual.  The night of failed fertility treatments was ending, the new day of adoption or a child-free life was beginning.

First Rachel’s wrenching wail “Give me children or I will die” (Genesis 30:1) was said, and the idea of how hard it was to end infertility treatments, which meant extinguishing any hope that they could have a biological child.

Then they drew on the Tashlich ceremony.  (Each year between Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur Jews have traditionally gathered by a body of water to cast out their sins and to absorb remnants of Abraham’s meritorious act of crossing a river on the way to the near-sacrifice of his son, Isaac, which is recounted in a Midrash.)  By tossing breadcrumbs into the sea, the couple symbolizes the release of their misgivings they felt toward God, each other, their parents, insensitive doctors and friends during their infertility treatments.

Glass of wine in hand, participants acknowledge a list of ten plagues of infertility, spilling a drop out for each one – like the ritual spilling of wine as the ten plagues are recited during the Passover Seder.  In Lifecycles some of the plagues mentioned were (1) shame about the inability to procreate (2) marital stress caused by infertility (3) reproductive regimentation required for medical treatment and (4) the death of a dream of a first born.

A Woman’s Ritual for Moving Past Infertility

Rabbi Lynn Gottlieb of Albuquerque, N.M., has introduced many lifecycle ceremonies to women’s groups throughout the United States.

Rabbi Gottlieb’s guide to creating this ritual, featured in Lifecycles, includes general guidelines for creating the atmosphere, time frame, and personal acts conducive to the trust and openness needed for this experience.

• Defining Ritual Space

• Creating a Place in Time

• A Ritual How-To

Defining Ritual Space

Create a space around which the ritual can be focused.  It may be Indoors or outdoors, depending on personal preference. Set a table or lay out a cloth, decorate with greenery, and light candles.  Include the basic elements of a Jewish festive occasion by serving bread and wine.

Creating a Place in Time

Set a date for this ritual that has significance in the Jewish calendar. You may choose Rosh Chodesh, the beginning of the Jewish month, which has traditionally been set aside as a mini-holiday for women.

From biology to poetry to Jewish mystical thought, women have been linked to the moon and its cycles. The fifteenth of any given Jewish month is when the moon is at its fullest.  This might be the time selected for its mystical connotation of recovery.

Help everyone transition from what Rabbi Gottlieb termed “mundane to sacred time” by calling for them to gather 15-30 minutes before the ritual begins.  Let everyone participate in the final preparations so they feel part of the moment, and not just like spectators.  This buffer time will help people get settled and transfer their frame of reference from the workday busyness to the intense, but ultimately peaceful, session.

A Ritual How-To

Rabbi Gottlieb described three phases of any personal ritual.  First, the opener, a ritual act is performed to focus the mind, such as lighting candles.  Second, the active phase, such as songs, dances, prayers, or other acts form the heart of the ritual.  Third, a closing prayer said to give a definite end to the experience, a feeling of closure.