· Origins of the Seven-Day Mourning Period    

     · How Long is Shiva  

     · Who Sits Shiva

     · Where to Sit Shiva  

     · Sitting Low

Origins of the Seven-Day Mourning Period

 The first descendant of Abraham to mourn seven days after a loss is Joseph who “made for his father a mourning of seven days” (Genesis 50:11). Amos, a later prophet, is another source for the seven day time period. “I will turn your feasts into mourning,” in Amos 8:10, drew a parallel between the seven days of the festivals of Sukkot and Passover and the first week of grief.

The seven-day period of mourning, the Shiva, literally meaning seven, gives mourners a structured setting in which to talk out grief, to be alone with sorrow, and to confront pain. Shiva allows the mourner to give in to the rupture that death rips through a daily routine. All normal activities are halted, and the sole obligation of the mourner is to mourn – in various forms and through various means.

How Long Is Shiva

A death in the family stretches and slows and blurs time. Tradition prescribes seven days of Shiva, but Shiva-time is counted differently than seven calendar days. Shiva begins with the interment or the approximate time of burial. If this is unknown, for example if a bedridden relative cannot attend a funeral, Shiva starts when the other mourners return from the cemetery.

The day of the funeral counts as one day, even if the funeral ended moments before sunset. If sunset is nearing and the mourners are still at the cemetery, they should begin Shiva by removing their leather shoes and sitting on a low place, for example a low railing, just for few moments.

Throughout Shiva, partial days count as whole days. The morning of the seventh day counts as a full day and ends Shiva. For example, if a burial took place on Tuesday afternoon, then Tuesday would be counted as the first day. Day two would be Wednesday, day three Thursday, day four Friday, day five Saturday (Shabbat), and day six Sunday. Monday morning would be the seventh day, and Shiva would be over.

Close Relatives

A small circle of relatives is obligated to sit Shiva. Only adults who have lost a parent, sibling, spouse or child have formal mourning obligations.

Adoptive Relatives

According to the letter of Halacha, adoptive relatives do not have keep all mourning observances, but keeping some outward signs of mourning is praised.

Minors

Children under the age of bar and bat Mitzvah do not need to observe mourning rituals. A child who understands what has happened may wish to sit some of the Shiva, recite Kaddish with a Minyan, or keep some of the mourning restrictions.

Newlyweds

When death casts a shadow of tragedy over the wonder of a new marriage, Jewish tradition helps newlyweds reconcile and honor the conflicting throes of emotion. Consistent with the Jewish view that life takes precedence over death, there are many mourning observances withheld from a newlywed, still celebrating the first week of marriage. Judaism perpetuates itself couple by couple, as each couple will build a new world with their children. The survival of the Jewish people depends upon the success of each marriage, so a newlywed’s happiness overrides some aspects of Shiva.

For a Jew Who Did Not Want Shiva Observed

Deathbed requests that violate Halacha are usually ignored. Shiva is an honor as much as it is a Mitzvah. If the request was made to spurn Judaism from beyond the grave and was made with full knowledge of Jewish traditions and values, then some Halachic authorities are of the opinion that the honor of Shiva should be withheld as per the wishes of the deceased. However, given the woefully poor state of Jewish education, it is more likely that this request came from a misconception of the comfort, dignity and gentleness of Shiva. In this case, the request is ignored and Shiva proceeds.

For a Jew who Converted to Another Religion

Shiva is an honor for the dead as much as it is a balm for the bereaved. If a family member has chosen to convert out of the trials of Judaism, it is traditional that the choice also brings with it a denial of the tribute of Shiva. Deterring others from following this path is another goal of not sitting Shiva for an apostate. That being said, there are too many who choose another religion because they weren’t familiar with the richness of Judaism. Converting out, in these cases, does not ring with the coldness of an apostate of old, but with the sadness of a bright, inquisitive Jewish soul lost. A rabbi can be very helpful if such questions should arise.

For a Child of Intermarriage

Children of intermarriage are mourned as full Jews -- if they are Jews. In the Halachic equation, one becomes a Jew in one of three ways: being born to a Jewish woman or a woman who converted to Judaism or if the child converted to Judaism. Women who convert to Judaism before a child’s birth, even during a pregnancy, give birth to Jewish children. A Jewish father does not make a child Jewish or half-Jewish. According to Halacha, one cannot be half-Jewish.

For Non-Jewish Relatives

Through conversion and by dint of the interweaving non-Jews into Jewish families, there are many questions about mourning non-Jewish relatives.

For most in this situation, Shiva obligations turn into options and avenues of mourning. Sitting Shiva for a non-Jew leaves the impression that a Jew is being mourned. Dim recollections of  “but I remember she sat Shiva for her mother” may overshadow a past conversion, complicating future marriage issues.

Non-Jews have their own spiritual missions in this world. Ones they fulfill without becoming Jewish. To honor non-Jewish relatives for living good lives does not require a posthumous conversion.

Even though Shiva is not observed for non-Jewish relatives, there is no prohibition against mourning a non-Jew. Honor the memory of a loved one. Recite Tehillim, psalms. Learn Torah as a memorial, give charity.

Formal Jewish mourning - burial, eulogies and synagogue memorials – are questions with answers as varied as the spectrum of Jewish opinion. Each rabbi will answer according to synagogue custom and personal comfort level.

Shiva is sat in the home of the deceased or in the home of the mourner. Sitting Shiva with siblings may make the make the burden lighter. Then again, it may not. A parent’s home may be far from the community the mourner knows as an adult and far from the friends who wish to pay their condolences. Splitting the Shiva, by spending the first days at a parent’s home and the last days at home, is a common compromise for far-flung families.

Sitting Low

Origin of the Practice

The phrase “sitting Shiva” refers to the practice of sitting on a low chair or stool during the first week of mourning. The Talmud mentions the practice of overturning beds and chairs during Shiva. Job, whose suffering is recorded in the biblical Book of Job (pronounce jobe), and who is the source for many Jewish mourning customs, was comforted by his friends who sat on the ground to mourn with him.

What to Sit On

The custom used to call for sitting directly on the ground. Now a lower-than-normal chair suffices. Specially shortened padded folding chairs are available through funeral homes. Removing couch cushions or sitting on cushions that have been placed on the floor achieves the same effect.

Some Sephardic Jews sit on floor cushions instead of chairs. A mourner may lie on a regular bed, walk, and stand. While receiving visitors, however, a mourner remains seated even when a very important person enters.

Pregnant women and elderly, weak, and sick people do not have to sit in low stools if they are uncomfortable. If at all possible, they should sit on low stools when people come to visit.