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Introduction
Children mourn parents for a year. A year to recover. A year to figure out what it means to be the child of a parent who is no longer physically present. A year to live in a state of memory. A year to begin setting shortcomings into perspective. A year to figure out how to live without one who gave you life. A year to begin letting go of the hurt.
Losing a parent leaves an ineffable void. A loss that is granted the longest period of mourning by the Jewish tradition that seeks to limit mourning periods. The year’s worth of attention is a salute to a parent’s years of unconditional love and sacrifice.
How to Count the Year of Mourning
The year of mourning is counted from the day of death. It is more accurate to call this period twelve months of mourning. Twelve months according to the Jewish calendar are counted, which does not necessarily add up to a year. The difference is felt during Jewish leap years, when an entire month is added to reconcile the Jewish lunar calendar with the secular solar reckoning. During a leap year, the twelve-month point will not agree with the actual anniversary of death.
Mourning Observances
Shaving and Haircuts
Stubble from the shloshim grows into a full beard during the year of mourning. As in shloshim, shaving is permitted for certain reasons. Some have the custom to let their hair grow long until it reaches a socially unacceptable length.
In the Synagogue
Kaddish is recited for eleven months. See the Kaddish category for a full discussion of this prayer’s meanings, origins, and customs. Whenever possible, a mourner leads the services.
Taking a different seat in the synagogue speaks to the displacement a mourner feels. It reminds fellow worshippers there is a mourner among them and summons their continuing empathy.
On Shabbat and Yom Tov - the Jewish holidays, a mourner returns to the regular seat. The boost of holiness that comes with Shabbat and Yom Tov comforts the mourner, diminishing the need for outward signs of mourning. Withholding mournful signs during these happy days shows a healthy respect for the community’s need to feel the joy of the special times, even if the mourner is just going through the motions of celebration.
Happy Occasions
Celebrations are avoided.
Summoning a smile while a heart is still breaking is difficult. Joyous occasions unite soulful happiness with physical pleasures of food, friends and music. A mourner is just beginning to repair the breach of body and soul that death of a close relative has wrenched apart. Forcing the two together by joining in a party is too hard.
Instrumental music is avoided for the entire twelve months of mourning. Some say this prohibition extends to recorded music, others say the restriction applies to live music only.
There are those who will attend the ceremonies of a Bar Mitzvah but not the party following. Other sources permit parents of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah
celebrant may to because their child will be speaking words of Torah.
Close relatives of the bride and groom
sometimes work around the mourning restrictions by assisting with the
wedding in a meaningful fashion, acting as waiters or ushers, for
example.
Friends have less leeway, and usually
attend the ceremony only. As always, because of the details
surrounding these laws, it is worthwhile to consult with a rabbi
regarding these situations.
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